Ohhh, crap. See? Now we’ve done it. We’ve murdered Britney Spears.

And yes, I said “we” as in “us” you and me, sister. We’re all in this mess together. I’ve got blood on my type-y little fingers, and you’ve got blood on your look-y kittle eyes. Or something like that. But we’ve both got blood all over our souls, that’s for damn sure. Britney Blood. Buckets. And one thing is undeniable: we are going to BURN. In. HELL.

Believe it.

I tried to ignore her. I prayed that the whole “Britney mess” would just evaporate if we didn’t look at it long enough. I swore a solemn PROMISE or whatever that I’d beat around the wicked and boozy bush that is Britney Spears as much as possible… that I’d turn blind ears to her hour-on-the-hour ravings and lunatic antics. I even began to refer to her as “She Who Must Not Be Named” and not just because I want to have sex with Daniel Radcliff. Or maybe it is. But the point, my fine friends, is this: I knew what we were doing to her. And we can’t play innocent: we’ve all driven down the stony end of the Doomed and Famous before how can one not recognize the scenery?

Face it, ladies and gentlemen. Fame kills. Fame is a murder in board daylight, stalking your children. Or something . And fame’s still out there. Anyone could be next (thank you reality fricking TV.) There’s no doubt about it. No question. No point at all in arguing.

Anna Nicole Smith. Need I continue? No. I thought not.

And now, kids, it’s official. We’ve shattered her. We’ve driven the Britney mobile straight off the craggy cliffs of sanity. We’ve knocked her right off the golden pedestal we never should have propped her up on in the first place. The question now is: will she survive the crash?

Optimism is not high.

“There is a 50/50 percent chance that Britney will not be able to survive this emotional trauma long term, reports a source.”

Yikes. Even Evil Doctor Phil, who didn’t hesitate a moment to capitalize on Britney’s breakdown, said scary things like:

“My meeting with Britney and some of her family members this morning in her room at Cedars leaves me convinced more than ever that she is in dire need of both medical and psychological intervention…I’m very concerned about her.”

But if God asks you didn’t hear any of this from me. And He will.

Adrian Ryan

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